


to try and hold onto

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [22]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Guilt, Post-Ending E (NieR: Automata), Self-Esteem Issues, part of a series but can be read standalone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27691847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: Tears filled 6O’s eyes, even as she forced herself to smile. “It’s okay. If you hate me this much, you don’t have to hide it. You can stay with 2B instead.”Surprise, and then pain flashed through White’s expression, gone so quickly that it could have easily been missed. “I don’t hate you.”“Then why won’t you talk to me?”---White starts to process having been brought back and everything that has changed since the destruction of the Bunker. It's a lot to adjust to.
Relationships: 6O/Commander White (NieR: Automata)
Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892593
Kudos: 13





	to try and hold onto

**Author's Note:**

> The whole time I was writing this, I had the stage play version of "Faltering Prayer - Dawn Breeze" stuck in my head... (That's the one that plays when White starts to cry.) This was intense to write. I had to take a break and step away a few times. I jut love White so much...
> 
> Anyway, if you're reading this as a standalone, White was just brought back last chapter, thanks to 2B, Devola, Popola, and (reluctantly) A2. 6O has been tasked with making sure she doesn't hurt anyone, since there's some distrust (especially from A2). It was established last chapter that she still has feelings for White, but she believes they're one-sided.

“And A2 said these are ‘potatoes’… the rest of them though, we don’t really know what they are. When everything has grown, we’ll see if Devola and Popola might know what they are. And if not, maybe we can make up our own names for them!” 6O chattered. So far, White hadn’t said anything, but she hoped that making conversation like this would lift her spirits.

White looked at the field, but didn’t answer. She wanted to praise 6O’s hard work or encourage her, but couldn’t bring herself to. After everything she had put her through – including but not limited to breaking her heart – she didn’t feel she had any right to pretend it never happened like that. It felt selfish and undeserved to want to act friendly with her.

“So… um… that’s the garden!” She gave a bright smile, hoping this was actually helping. “Come on, I’ll show you inside now.”

When 6O took her hand, White didn’t object, following behind her.

“Ta-da!” Inside, she used her free hand to motion at the interior of the building. It had no decorations, because there was nothing to decorate with, but she had swept and polished it and put in a bed. “It’s a little plain, but really, I spend most of my time outside.”

When there was still no response, 6O faltered, though she did her best to hide it. “So… Devola and Popola recommended that you rest for today… You can use the bed. Oh, since you’ll be staying here a while, we can get another one! But for now, I’m okay with the floor.” To illustrate the point, she sat down on the ground.

She felt wrong to take 6O’s bed on top of everything else. As androids, they only really used beds because it’s what humans had done, but psychologically, there was a sense of comfort associated with them. Back on the Bunker, when the two of them were involved, they had shared a bed on a number of occasions. But now, that certainly didn’t feel right. Instead, she sat down on the ground too.

6O understood the implication and smiled. “You need the bed more than I do. You’re still recovering.”

White only averted her eyes. Maybe she needed it, but she didn’t feel she deserved it. So what if she needed rest? It was only a recommendation for her psychological functioning anyway, and she felt she was long past some rest doing her any good. Now that she didn’t have her role as Commander to put up as a front, she had no idea how to act anymore. There was the ‘White’ she had been before becoming Commander, but that person… could she even say she was the same person anymore? Even if she could, to act like that felt like running away from her sins.

As the silence stretched on, 6O hugged her knees to her chest, beginning to feel insecure. White hadn’t said a single word to her since leaving the camp. She knew it was a lot to take in, but didn’t White know that if she was upset, 6O would have no qualms comforting her however she could? Back on the Bunker, she had always refused to open up because she felt it was wrong to ‘put things on their shoulders.’ Now that she wasn’t the Commander anymore, didn’t that mean she should be more able to open up? So if she wasn’t opening up…

Tears filled 6O’s eyes, even as she forced herself to smile. “It’s okay. If you hate me this much, you don’t have to hide it. You can stay with 2B instead.”

Surprise, and then pain flashed through White’s expression, gone so quickly that it could have easily been missed. “I don’t hate you.”

“Then why won’t you talk to me?” Concern and hurt filled her expression. Even if White claimed not to hate her, she didn’t understand what other explanation there could be for giving her the cold shoulder like this.

_Because I don’t deserve your kindness. Because I don’t know who I am anymore. Because I don’t deserve the happiness I feel when I talk to you._ She couldn’t put such heavy worries on 6O’s shoulders. Instead, she just hung her head.

…White… was in pain. She could see that much. She didn’t understand why White wouldn’t talk to her about it, but to begin with, hadn’t she always been surrounded with people who withdrew when they were hurting? White, 2B, and now A2… 6O took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. If White said she didn’t hate her… then this explanation made sense. Then that just meant White needed comfort.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see 6O coming closer. Knowing her as well as she did, it came as little surprise when 6O pulled her into a hug. 6O had always been too kind to her. Unbidden, tears welled in her eyes, and she closed them in an effort to keep the emotions at bay.

Arms around her, 6O was even more sure of her theory. She wasn’t sure if even White knew this about herself, but she had spent enough time close to her to notice that when her body was tense like this, it usually meant she was holding back her feelings. “White… You’re trying to act strong again, aren’t you?” Gently, she undid her ponytail. It was one of the things that White had taken to doing when they were alone together on the Bunker, symbolizing the shift from ‘Commander’ to just ‘White.’ She began to stroke White’s hair, which she had learned before to be helpful in offering her comfort. “You don’t have to act strong. You can lean on me.”

Her bottom lip began to tremble. She wanted so badly to take 6O up on her offer, and yet she still felt it was wrong and selfish of her to do so. Who had been there to comfort all the fallen YoRHa in their final moments? Who had been there to comfort 2B when she had to kill 9S over and over again? Who had been there to comfort A2 as she fought alone? So likewise, she deserved no comfort.

Hearing the tremor in White’s breaths, 6O drew her closer, still stroking her hair. Her heart ached to see her in pain, even if she couldn’t help but to think how familiar this was. Back on the Bunker, too, there had been times where White had silently cried into her shoulder, never once revealing a word of what was on her mind. “I’m here. You don’t have to carry everything alone.”

How did 6O have such a knack for telling her exactly what she needed to hear, with so little information to go on? She finally caved, wrapping her arms around 6O in reciprocation as the first tears began to fall.

“That’s right. Don’t keep everything inside, okay?” Even if it seemed to be rather reluctantly, if White was letting some of her feelings out, she would take that as a good sign.

Her body tensed to the point of trembling as she continued to fight back sobs. It was so contradictory. If she really didn’t want to let herself be comforted, she would have pulled away from the beginning. But if she did want to be comforted, then she should just stop holding back. To stay in between the two like this was just weak and pathetic, she told herself. In that case, she should try to pull herself together as soon as she could.

The way that White only became more tense wasn’t unexpected either. She had hoped that, like how 2B and A2 had become more expressive and happier now that they were outside of the YoRHa, that the same could hold true for White. Perhaps it wasn’t so easy to change patterns of behavior. She did know that 2B and A2 had been brought back quite a while before she had, so maybe it was different for them compared to White, who had only just come back.

It wasn’t even a full minute that she cried before forcing her feelings back down and pulling away from 6O, turning her back so her expression was hidden. That, too, was quite typical of her. A familiar heartache settled in 6O’s chest. As much as it hurt to see her cry, it was even worse to see her try to hide her feelings.

White wondered if she ought to ask to stay with someone else after all. Someone who wouldn’t be so kind to her. A2 came to mind, but since she knew A2 very much did not want to see her, that too felt selfish. She felt like no matter what she did, she just couldn’t win. The best thing for everybody that she could think of would be if she withdrew away from all of them, somewhere no one would ever see her again, but they had already been clear that she wouldn’t be trusted on her own.

Since it was clear White didn’t want to talk right now, 6O decided that the best thing she could do for her was just to sit with her. She wanted to go see about getting supplies for a bed, too, but she knew that when White was trying to control her feelings, she found it stressful to be around others who she felt she couldn’t let her guard down around.

She questioned what she should do. She didn’t even understand why in the world they had brought her back. Weren’t they much better off without her? Part of her wished they had left her dead, but even as part of her felt she didn’t deserve to be alive, another part of her also felt she didn’t deserve the release of death. No amount of suffering on her part would change what she had done, though.

Before, she had allowed her role to carry her forward. Telling herself she had no choice and that what she was doing was ultimately for the benefit of all androids, no matter how much she felt the sacrifices were unforgivable, had allowed her to keep going. As well, the YoRHa had needed their leader, so she also _had_ to keep going.

But now, she had nothing to hide behind. She was left to grasp the full weight of her sins and her failure to protect the YoRHa. The weight felt suffocating, and yet feeling she was experiencing some of the suffering she thought she deserved was also morbidly comforting in its own way.

6O continued to sit with her, wishing she had some indication of how White was feeling or how she could help. She hated feeling powerless like this, like there was nothing she could do to help someone who she cared about so much. She wanted to think that just sitting with her was something, but did it really help?

After a while, White looked at her. It had taken a while, but she had calmed enough now to focus on problem-solving, which was where she felt most comfortable. “I suppose the best solution would be to get another bed. Who have you been trading with? Anemone?”

“Yeah. Let’s go see what they have.” Fortunately, money wasn’t an issue. 2B and A2 spent so much time fishing that they basically had an unlimited amount of money, which they freely shared with the rest of the group and anyone who needed it. One had to wonder if they weren’t single-handedly destroying the android economy by becoming millionaires, or where the money to buy them even came from in the first place… but such thoughts were far from 6O’s mind as she stood, reaching out to hold White’s hand.

Surprised at the contact, White looked to 6O. When she was offered a bright smile in response, she unconsciously squeezed 6O’s hand, averting her eyes.

“I know a lot of things have changed. But we’re here for you, okay?” 6O said gently.

White nodded, even if she had no intention of taking her up on that.

And for now, perhaps that was the best they could do. Just making sure she knew they cared…

Hand in hand, they went to the Resistance camp. When they got there, 6O went to Anemone. Unbeknownst to her, they were fortunate they hadn’t headed over sooner, while A2 and 2B had been talking to Anemone about the stresses of having White back. It would have been a difficult situation all around for the woman herself to appear in the midst of that conversation.

“Anemone!” 6O greeted, using her free hand to wave. She was still halfway across the camp, which meant that her voice was loud enough that everyone was now staring.

White considered releasing 6O’s hand, wondering if it was really okay to be seen like this. While 6O was the type who would gladly hold hands with any of her friends, the same could not be said of her. But… now that she wasn’t the Commander anymore, there was no need to worry about perceptions of favoritism. She couldn’t see any harm in continuing to hold her hand, and so long as it was something 6O wanted, she couldn’t quite bring herself to pull away.

Anemone had to stifle a laugh at the sight of the normally so stoic woman looking almost a little shy as 6O, ever bubbly, pulled her along by the hand and everyone stared. She had always thought of White as imposing, but she felt like for the first time, she was getting a peek at the other side of her that Jackass had been so insistent was there.

When the two of them were closer to Anemone, 6O explained, “I realized that we need another bed, since there are two of us. Can we make one?”

“Sure. I think we have enough supplies on hand, so I’ll ask 2B for help if we end up running low on something afterward. It probably won’t be able to be done tonight though.” She paused, thinking her next offer over. “We do have a spare room here still that has two beds. Technically it’s 2B’s and 9S’s, but they’ve been staying at their own place, so I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you two borrowed it for tonight.”

“There we go! That’ll be perfect.” 6O turned to White with a smile. When she turned back to Anemone, she explained, “Neither one of us wanted to make the other sleep on the ground, you know?”

She could see that White was slightly embarrassed by having that revealed, but if anything, it was proof that she cared. “Good. Then you two can use that room for now, until we have another bed ready.”

“Thanks, Anemone! Now we’ll both have beds. Isn’t that great?” 6O asked, hoping to get a smile out of White.

When she saw the earnest expression on 6O’s face, she found a small smile rising to her face, even if her mood still felt somber.

“By the way, when you’re feeling up to it, I know that Jackass would love to see you,” Anemone prompted gently.

“Jackass…” Hope in her eyes, she looked at 6O. She knew that it would be asking her to go out of her way, and she felt guilty. But she hadn’t seen Jackass since the day she had been selected to be Commander of the YoRHa, and she missed her.

It was rare for White to express wanting anything for herself, so 6O knew immediately that she would go with her anywhere in order to grant this wish. “Do you know where she is?”

Anemone answered, “Not exactly, but she’s usually in the desert. If you go there from the city ruins here, you should see a small camp set up. If she isn’t there, someone there can probably tell you where she is or when she’ll be back.”

Oh, that wasn’t far at all. 6O squeezed White’s hand. “Let’s go!”

White gave a small nod. “Thank you, Anemone.”

“No problem. See you two later.”

The two of them left the camp to go see Jackass.


End file.
